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Apr. 15th, 2008 | 01:22 am
mood: bouncybouncy

Packing sucks.  Actually, packing isn't so bad.  I kinda like the tetris like challenge of fitting the bits and pieces into boxes.  But I hate having to sort out stuff.  And realize that if something is left behind, I'm not going to see it again for MONTHS.  At least if I leave something behind it's not gone forever.  That's a point to appreciate.

It's just so hard.  To distill my life into boxes, to really say goodbye to this life and world I've known.  It's exciting and scary and saddening and brilliant.  And it's all encapsulated in the fact that I have to take stuff off walls, out of drawers, down from shelves, and put them into boxes.  Which will now hold my life until they can find their way in my new apartment. 

I like that.  The idea that all of my things, kitchen implements, precious objects, books, and clothes are going to explore a new home.  Where will they live?  How will they react to their new environment?  They'll come alive at night and creep across the wood floors to explore.  I'll wake up in the morning to find the spatula really wants to live on the left side of the stove, and that the books are much happier under the mantle then the windows.  I'll find my clothes lying on a jumble on the floor, spelling out their desire for a set of drawers.  It will be magical.

So I shall go prepare everyone for the journey.  Let's make this an adventure! 

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The Big Apple

Apr. 4th, 2008 | 10:34 am
mood: energeticenergetic

Well, I must confess, I'm a bit preoccupied.  I'm so excited to be returning to the city.  I feel like I'm finally going home.

As I pack, I revisit all of my old objects.  I'm forced with the choice of: does this justify a trip cross country or can it go to my parents house for the time being?  And to make that choice, I must actually revisit the object.  A precious object that was gifted to me or that I treasure: how much is the treasure worth, the cost to ship it?  A kitchen implement: do I actually use it or just enjoy it aesthetically?  My clothes: do I wear this or not, and would I not be better served buying something that fits me properly?  A book: can I get it in a library or must I have it to hand at all times?  A journal: does this old writing inform me now, or is it too far from my current mindset to serve me in NY?

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A Dose of Inspiration

Mar. 3rd, 2008 | 08:30 am
mood: highinspired

There is a vitality, a life force,
a quickening that is translated through you into action,
and because there is only one of you in all time,
this expression is unique.

If you block it,
it will never exist through any other medium and be lost.
The world will not have it.
It is not your business to determine how good it is;
nor how valuable it is;
nor how it compares to other expressions.
It is your business to keep it yours, clearly and directly,
to keep the channel open.

You do not even have to believe in yourself or your work.
You have to keep open and aware directly to the urges that motivate you.

Keep the channel open.
No artist is pleased.
There is no satisfaction whatever at any time.
There is only a queer, divine dissatisfaction;
a blessed unrest that keeps us marching and makes us more alive than the others.

Martha Graham in a letter to Agnes De Mille

My singing teacher gave this to me the other day.  I like how it speaks to artists across the spectrum of the arts, and can even apply to our little daily struggles in life.  If we don't allow ourselves to be, then we will be lost.

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I've got possibilities

Feb. 27th, 2008 | 09:57 am
mood: hopefulhopeful

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Long Distance Relationships and the Nature of the "One"

Feb. 21st, 2008 | 04:17 pm
mood: thoughtfulthoughtful

Long distance relationships are extremely difficult.  I have determined this from the three previous attempts I have made at them with significant others.  One of them worked, resulting in the current close distance relationship of co-habitation.  But the time has come that distance must once again define my relationships.

I never planned to live in the Bay.  It was never on my radar as a potential life location.  I moved here because I was in love and I wanted to stay with him.  I am still madly in love with him, but I've come to an important realization.

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Super Tuesday evening

Feb. 5th, 2008 | 08:01 pm
mood: accomplishedaccomplished

So I've voted.  I'm not telling you what I decided, because once I got to the polling place I saw that Kucinich was still on the ballot and I was *so* tempted to just vote for him.  I love that little man!  However, I felt that throwing my vote away was not the way democracy was meant to work, so I just made a snap decision and we'll see how it pans out.

Why couldn't we have made this easy and just had a Black Woman Presidential candidate?  Check all the boxes in one fell swoop.  I wonder if we would be successful if we put Obama and Hillary in an atom smasher together.  There's a candidate I could get behind!

But seriously, despite my difficulties, I have to say it was nice to get to pick from the greater of two goods instead of the lesser of two evils. 

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Super Tuesday is not so super.

Feb. 5th, 2008 | 02:55 pm
location: my rat-free living room
mood: confusedperplexed

I'm going to go vote in about 45 minutes.  I've got to stop by the post office, swing by the grocery store, and then to the voting booth.  At this point, I still don't know if I'm voting for Obama or Hillary. 

I started off as a Hillary supporter.  I was excited by the idea of a woman president.  I feel like she's earned it.  She's worked her way through the system, she's actually been in the White House, and she has been active in politics through most of her life.  Her policies are good, I care about the things she's talking about, and all is right with the world.  When the young upstart Obama first showed up, my initial reaction was one of shock and mild outrage.  (Can outrage be mild?)

Since then, I've had to reconsider.  Listening to the debates, Obama makes me tingle.  I get all Emily Dickinson and see that "hope is the thing with feathers."  When I hear Clinton speak, it's pragmatic, but soulless.  Is having a soul necessary to be president?  I don't think so.  However, I'd very much like it to be so.  I feel like I've been suckered by the "Change Campaign" but at the same time, if they've turned my mind, perhaps it is the right way to go.  I feel like the policies are so similar that at this point I'm choosing the representative of the American people.  Who would I prefer to be the image to the world at large? 

Also, I'm not super keen on the dynasty:  Bush-Clinton-Clinton-Bush-Bush-??  Do I really want my entire conscious political life dictated by 2 families?  I feel like I'm in a monarchy here!  Obama would be a breath of fresh air - one would hope.  Then we must broach the question of who will beat the Republicans?  Do you know?  I sure don't!

I am not well versed in politics, I am an intuitive git who gets frustrated by the seemingly endless lies and double speak of the legal language.  I just want someone to tell it to me straight.  Are you going to change health care so it's affordable and available?  Are you going to do something about Social Security so our aging country has something to fall back on?  Are you going to make huge changes to the way we treat our environment and resources?  If so, you have my vote.  I don't really care how you do it.  I don't care if you tax the hell out of me, but if you're going to I expect a comfortable place to live, health care, clean air, pure water, and opportunity. 

On a side note, I'm getting a cold that doesn't really feel like a cold.  Just a vague sore throat, headache and general grogginess.  Which is the worst, because I don't feel like I can do anything about it.  Also, we are officially rat free for 3 days.  Thank GOD.  In the end we caught 4 of the bastards that have been haunting us since the beginning of the year.  I'm tired, worn out, and not feeling up to bleaching my entire house.  

Instead, I'll go vote.  For someone.

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Quality Whining

Sep. 26th, 2007 | 10:50 am
mood: frustratedfrustrated

Sometimes it bothers me that I never write journal entries when all is hunky dory.  But y'know, often I'm perfectly content to wallow in those emotions.  Whereas the frustrations I'm currently feeling I would rather hurtle onto a page.

My week thus far:  On Monday, my college roomie whom I adore flew back to Portland.  Due to her last day in my visiting presence, I totally missed the fact I had a required first rehearsal for my touring shakespeare play.  On this same day I missed a phone call from Cal Shakes because my phone failed to tell me I had a message.  I called them back and left a message, but got no response.

On Tuesday, I called Cal Shakes again, only to be told that they were calling me for an understudy role on their current production of King Lear.  It was a last minute kinda thing, so they'd already filled it by the time I got back to them.  It conflicted too heavily with my current play to be able to do it, but still a gutting disappointment.  I also was busily cycling around doing errands, when suddenly my brake stopped work amongst traffic.  I managed to get to the side with no injury.  It appears that the connecting cable between my handbrake and the brake snapped.  So that needs to be fixed.  Special bonus, my monthly started unexpectedly.

Today, I checked the details for an audition that is in my organizer for tonight, only to discover that it was LAST night.  I'd written it on the wrong day in my organizer, and so had memorized it incorrectly, thus missing a general audition for 3 companies I'd love to work with.  Also, David accidentally took my phone to work, so I missed the morning part of my touring Shakespeare rehearsal.  It was not required, but I should have gone.

So all in all, this week has sucked royally.  I want to crawl under a rock and not come out.  I just can't, cause I have too much to do.  Ack!

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Sep. 12th, 2007 | 01:13 am
mood: surprisedsurprised

This is the first year I have not spent yesterday focused on that day.

This is the first year I have not relived the sirens.

Not relived my commentary.

Not relived the lines at payphones.

Not relived the smell.

Somehow, I made it through the whole day and only thought of it twice.  Once in the morning, when looking at the news and catching a glimpse of the date.  It triggered then, but I did not allow it to develop.

The second time was prior to a play this evening when someone else was discussing it.  I chose to not mention I was there.  I chose to not relive it all over again. 

Because it is only now, in this first non-living that I begin to understand how that date has haunted me for 5 years.  It is only now, when I look back at yesterday (so recently finished) and realize that I have been carrying a great deal of that with me.  It is now, that I realize that time really does heal.

Not completely.  The wound is not cauterized.  It is still there.  The wound can never heal with endless surges and forays into battles justified by that date. 

But it does heal.  It does not sink me into a sense of overwhelmedness.  That made up word is the only thing I think that can really describe how I feel towards the 11th of September 2001.  It is not sadness, or anger, or even incomprehension.  It is beyond all of that.  And time has started to lessen that sense.  It is not that it is any less overwhelming, just that life is currently much more whelming.  There is so much here to fill in that gap. 

I feel guilty, in a way, to have not acknowledged it deeper.  I know there are people who still live with it every day.  Those that lost loved ones.  I am so lucky.  I lost a sense of safety, a sense of balance, that never really goes away.  But my loss is esoteric.  And time lessens it. 

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Electronics Hate Me

Aug. 3rd, 2007 | 03:48 pm
mood: gloomygloomy

Yesterday, I took David & my Macbook to the mac store for a "genius" to look at.  The night before we'd come home to a gray screen with a flashing question mark.  Not good.

When I brought it in, they said it was probably the logic board and gave me a week leadtime.  Are you kidding me?  First the modem, now the whole damn computer?  For chrissake, they're not even connected.  And now I've got to wait a week to even use my coffee shops wifi?  Pain.

Today they called to tell me that I could have it back, all repaired, good as new!  I walk into the store and pick up my computer, and as I glance over the work order, I notice that instead of Logic Board, it says Hard Drive.  Excuse me?  Hard Drive?  When I brought my computer in for servicing they offered me a $50 option to rescue any information if it turned out I needed a new Hard Drive.  I spoke with my "genius" and from what I could gather he was pretty sure that if it looks like a logic board, smells like a logic board, and tastes like a logic board it's 99% sure to be the logic board.  So I refused the $50 that I don't really have to spare. 

What I should have figured is if it looks like a duck, smells like a duck, and tastes like a duck it must be....a kangaroo. 

So I was pretty sucker punched when they HAD replaced my hard drive.  When I booted up the beast, the brain was gone.  I hoped it had been a mistake, maybe this wasn't even my computer!!  But no, it is, and it was.  So I spoke to someone in the store and they said the hard drive was spinning, and was SO FUCKED, even if I HAD payed the $ 50 there would have been nothing to save.  The only other option is to send it into some disc saver company that could TRY to extract the bits and bytes of brain, at the tune of $ 2,000.00 if they succeeded.  If they failed, it would only be a few hundred.  The Mac Genius who fixed my computer informed me that it is highly unlikely to be recoverable based on his experience, even with the extra special treatment.

I asked if I could at least have the old hard drive, on the off chance in 10 years they can reconstruct it's brain.  A bit like getting a dog cryogenically frozen.  He said no.  The red tape requires them to return an old hard drive for a new hard drive.  The only option would be to remove the new hard drive from my computer and give me the old ruined one.  I thought about it, and realized I could probably battle brutally to get the old hard drive to keep the new one company, but I didn't have the time or the energy for that battle.  It was time to say goodbye.

My computer currently is an amnesiac.  It doesn't remember all the good times we've had, has lost all of the music we hoarded and can't remember the most familiar of tunes.  The images of our holiday's and lives have all faded from the brain.  The writings, plays, thoughts, recipes, are no more.  It is like having a stranger move into my life.  A stranger that is achingly familiar and white, but devoid of the personality I know and love.

The most I can do at this point, is implore my friends who have new Macbooks or any electronics at all...for GOD'S SAKE BACK UP YOUR DATA!!!  Get an external hard drive, don't let my tragedy happen to you.

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