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Jul. 26th, 2012 | 11:44 am

It's been a very long while since I updated this olde journal.  There are so many other mediums for self expression now.  It saddens me though.  My entries here make me laugh and help me to see the growth of my self...which strangely hasn't grown all that much.  I'm still very much the same person I was when I started writing here 11 years ago.

There have been changes though.  I'm clearer in my truth of self, and my mind is much quieter.  Perhaps another reason why the posts have decreased.  My mind is less of a maelstrom.  There is more breath and less holding.  There is also less time to spend sitting at a computer when there are so many other delightful things to be doing.

I still journal in paper journals and in computer files, but I think I'm also becoming more aware of the concept that things put on the internet are throwing them out into the ocean.  Anyone can find them and pick them up.  They might unintentionally harm someone else.  They might come back and damage you when you least expect them.  Journals, at least for me, are specific moments in time.  They are a working through of an idea or a particular memory that needs to be preserved.  The internet takes away their immediacy of moment and timeless quality, instead imbuing them with a kind of eternal present.

So in this moment in my life I am finding ever deeper clarity, and am starting to revel in my consistency.  My relationship with Jean-Paul is two years new.  He is on his yearly sojourn to upstate New York where we spend a minimum of 7 weeks apart.  It's our third time around this merry-go-round and, as it does every year, throws what we're doing into sharp relief.  Absence may not make the heart grow fonder for those who examine their experience, it makes the heart really consider the what and why.

I am unsure about what is going to happen next.  I've spent an unhealthy amount of the last 6 months fixated on the next phase of life.  Pondering marriage and kids and "having it all" and those societal expectations of adult-ness.  Though I have done a great deal of powerful work on the minimization of future living, I still take the future into consideration.  I still have an inkling of what comes next and where I want to be and what I want to do.  I've released a lot of expectation for my career and my business and my day to day existence, but not in my relationship.

We appear to be reaching a moment of decision.  A perfect storm of information and thoughts have descended upon our us, and it is time to see if this is an us that will continue forward.  What helps to hold my heart in a state of grace right now is the knowledge that I have never claimed to be something I'm not, or to want something that isn't what I seek.  I found a missive written in early June 2 years ago, where I laid out my truth of what I'm seeking in another and in a relationship.

It is about a life shared.  About a partner and friend and fellow adventurer.  I want to find someone to grow old with.  To grow with.  He has known this from the moment of our beginning.  If he is finding that this is not a path he wants to follow, or I'm not the person he wants to walk this path with, then that is a truth that I will absorb and acknowledge as I continue to carry on living a life that is full and beautiful and true.  

Commitment doesn't look like anything owned, given or consumed.  It is a confidence in another person, that even when things are at their worst, when I am at my worst, you know enough of me at my best to help me find my way back into the light.  It is the agreement that you are the person I want to fall asleep with every night and wake up with every morning, even if miles separate us.

It is the person who, if it makes sense, will help to bring an awesome being onto this planet with me.  

Aging is a natural process.  Though my mind/heart is still very much the mind/heart of the dreaming little girl I was at 6 and the overwhelmed teenager I was at 16 and the developing soul I was at 26, my body is now that of a 30 year old.  I cannot change that there is not forever time to have children.  I cannot change that my body will start to find aches and spots and wrinkles.  I can accept these truths and enjoy and appreciate that this is all part of the experience of living.

I'm scared that I have to gaze into the future.  That I have to make certain decisions for my life that may have life long impacts.  But that is silly.  Because all decisions can be made again.  The world is full of infinite possibility always.  All of my life decisions have life long impacts because they become part of my past, which is part of my present and future.  Just because I'm aging doesn't mean that things must change.  If this body doesn't give birth to another body in this life that doesn't diminish my love for this body, or preclude the possibility of giving teaching and joy to different bodies not of mine.

The stories and mythologies of society are powerful forces...and they are not always working for good.  I am trying to pause in this maelstrom of life that now swirls around me instead of within me and ask the quiet voice, that core at the center of my being, what is true.  What is right.  What is it that I want in this life.  What I want my universe to look like and how I want to fill the waking hours, the dreaming hours, and all the hours inbetween.

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in the gloaming

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from: roaming
date: Jul. 26th, 2012 11:46 pm (UTC)
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Well. I so much want to say something "wise" and crone-like from my alleged vantage point of 62. But frankly you seem to have this all covered better than anything I could wish to say. That you even know what questions to muse upon, whether there are answers yet or no, is probably all the wisdom you really need to guide you through this passage.

I love your definition of commitment. You are already wise, young Jedi! ;-P

No matter what age we are, we always carry inside us the younger selves we were. In that way we get to be many people, fuller. Yeh, hopefully wiser. I don't feel so. I do know that like you, I've stopped being so fraught about many things that really weren't all that important in the larger scheme of things. That may be wisdom, or maybe just getting old and too tired to spread the waning energy thinner. Whatever, doesn't matter which, really.

It all tends to work out. Even without our interference.

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