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Meant to Be...

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Feb. 27th, 2009 | 03:12 pm
mood: pensivepondering
music: Squirrel Nut Zippers-Meant to Be

I never thought I would become bitter and jaded about love.  And I'm still not, not really.  But I've definitely become more hesitant and reluctant to pursue it.

I remember in my youth how I would fall in love.  How it would be this all encompassing obsession, rife with romance and imaginings and poetry.  How I could so fully believe and embrace this person as my one true love.  How magical and fated our meeting was, how divine must our histories be that created these two beings to encounter each other in this one true moment.  How we would seem to read each others thoughts, how we would fill in each others gaps of knowledge so perfectly, how we both wanted the NY penthouse apartment and the lovely cottage in the countryside (how rare!)  Clearly, CLEARLY, this was a magical relationship meant to happen.

And it did happen.  Again.  And again.  And again.  And maybe it is the repetitiveness of it that has lessened the impact.  That feeling of infinite romance fades when the infinity stops.  Perhaps the fact that it keeps ending over and over again makes me hesitate to embrace the infinite again.

Or maybe age mellows one.  No longer am I a textbook of raging hormones.  Whatever clashing synapses I have to deal with now are part of a rather long term ooze.  So without this constant catalyst of raging highs and lows am I no longer capable of achieving that heart rending, profound romance of my youth?

I do not know.  Then I question if it is somehow contained in the other, the person who I am desiring to lavish this emotion on but am strangely incapable of doing so.  Could they be to blame?  

This is the point where I run into some difficulty.  For I can make a list of positives and negatives about my other.  But I can make an equally detailed and direct list of all the other others I've had.  There is no lack of chemistry that brought us together or keeps us there.  I have lived in much more intimate circumstances and dealt with all manner of bizarre body and household habits while still maintaining the desire and desperation for eternity.

Perhaps it's the lack of the chase.  He loves me.  He really does try to please and fulfill me.  There is no tremulous doubt in my soul that this man will stay.  That if I want him to, we could share that yellow brick road into eternity together.  Is there something in the confidence that removes the mystery and magic?

What is the magic potion that spells out romance and long lasting love?  Is it someone you can discuss finances, grocery shopping, house projects, and dinner plans with?  Is it someone who you have champagne and strawberries in lingerie with chocolate fondue in the future?  Is it that moment of two eyes alighting and souls igniting in an ancient ritual of recognized mutual lust and recognition?

Is it better to marry your soul mate or someone who would be a partner in life?  Is it possible to have both?  And how do you know?

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Comments {2}

in the gloaming

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from: roaming
date: Feb. 27th, 2009 09:25 pm (UTC)
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lots to say on this -- later. Right now, before it gets dark, forcing myself out the door for the one-hour-per-day walk I've promised I will do to get my pre-diabetes in check.

P.S. Bottom line = you can have both. . . but it doesn't tend to look like what one expected or was looking for when younger. You have a list of must-haves, non-negotiables. . . and then someone comes along and you tear up that old list and rewrite a new one to fit that person.

How do you know? I don't know, I just know you do. Can you be wrong? Sure. There's a fine line of "feeling secure" and "anything can happen in life." And no one size fits all.

Me, I now find "comfort" -- in all the myriad definitions of that word -- to be my idea of romance, far more than candllelit hormones dozens of roses champagne chocolates thongs and sweaty sexual gymnastics.

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from: snowyshastina
date: Jun. 29th, 2010 06:35 am (UTC)
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You know, it's funny how when you meet the right person, all that stuff comes back - the joy, the sadness, the obsession and the complete ecstasy. If a relationship isn't giving you that, then the relationship ain't worth having. Cos love is terrifying and it's also the most amazing feeling that you can possibly have.

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