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Jun. 7th, 2008 | 12:14 am

Rejection, rejection, rejection.  Shit, it's all shit!

Bah.  I'd rather be rejected in New York than in Berkeley I suppose.  At least when I'm depressed I am in a place that I'm happy to be in.  Not that I wasn't happy in Berkeley, but New York just feeds my soul more.

It's interesting.  How much I needed to leave this city and now how much I find it home.  I always knew I would come back.  I couldn't honestly imagine myself never living in New York again.  And now that I'm here it really is everything I wanted it to be.  Even if my profession isn't.

I just can't help thinking that if I can't even get cast by someone I KNOW, what are the chances of me getting cast by someone I DON'T know.  I thought I did a good audition, and I know that I took his direction perfectly.  I'm also perfectly aware that they could be looking for someone who is taller/shorter/paler/darker/whatever-er than me.  I suppose at least in this instance I get to query the party in question.

Part of the problem too is that I was starting to get somewhere in the Bay.  People were starting to recognize me, and call me for specific projects.  Request me for auditions.  But now I'm a non-entity again.  A nobody in a sea of hopefuls.  Another girl who just moved to NY to live the dream, without any real grounding in reality.  Sometimes I think that I'm more savvy than that, but most of the time I know I'm not.

Clark has helped assuage that damage.  In addition to feeling that I'm tenuously connected to the industry through him, so I get to live (or vicariously live) the joys and trials and tribulations of set, he does comfort me.  I am fearful that he is all that I have in New York to keep me joyful, and I'm far too leery of putting all my eggs in one basket.  Especially when an emotional romantic sexual relationship is involved.  I know on a real level that I'm happy here regardless of Clark.  But...I'm getting so wrapped up in him as an aspect of my happiness.

Part of that is his willingness to provide that role.  Though David was concerned and conscious of my well being, his response was to worry at me.  Clark requests the knowledge of how to make things better, and when I cannot provide it, or request his presence elsewhere, he is wonderfully understanding.  It is rather remarkable and points to a maturity level I am not used to.  It also makes him an active part of my day to day moods.  He wants to influence them.  I am not used to that concept.

My joys and sufferings have always been of my own making.  When I spent the January of 2007 sobbing on my bathroom floor, no one was there for me.  I was so distant from Becks and Chris that I didn't feel I could burden them with that sorrow and suffering.  I didn't feel right doing it to David, my boyfriend (then) of 4 years, and even my parents would just demand I change my life situation.  So I created it, and built it, and struggled through it, and overcame it ,all on my onesome.  I'm not used to having someone who is not only available to help me through bullshit, but actively participating.

So tonight I not only acknowledge that there will be rejection in NY, far more than there was in Berkeley, but there will be a presence on the flipside of that.  Not to say David wasn't sympathetic when I was rejected, but he never quite knew what to do.  Clark knows to ask, and the funny thing is, that is exactly what I need.  It brings me back to reality to demand that I acknowledge where I am instead of blindly suffering.  I am forced to recognize the situation.

The most amusing aspect is, I didn't really want this role. I wasn't really comfortable with the subject matter.  But I wanted to prove to myself that I could reject something.  And ultimately, I will get to a point where I have that opportunity.

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